The world's fattest guard
When Colin was a young boy, he had two strong loves: Guarding things, and eating things. Often, he would guard things that he was about to eat. His eleven siblings would often get mad as Colin guarded with his very life the three cookies that mom intended for all of them.
Over the years, Colin became a better and better guard, and became a better and better person who ate things. He grew to gargantuan size, though not LITERALLY gargantuan size, like, in game terms. He was just real big, you know? Myths spread throughout Evershade about the man who could eat more breakfasts than any other man. His breakfast eating skills were the talk of the town, and back when breakfast eating competitions were in vogue, you know, back five or so years ago, when a lot of stupid fads were sweeping the town, Colin was king. Colin could eat a thousand breakfasts before the average man could eat two hundred and thirteen breakfasts.
The prize money could never last forever, however, so Colin fell back on his second love: Guarding. He found work at the House of Cards, and used his waning celebrity to get a job guarding a place as close to a mess hall as possible, so that he could enjoy his precious breakfasts with as little complication as possible. It was a good life, but it wasn’t enough. In his heart, he yearned for his former days of glory, when women would throw their food at him just to watch him eat it. He missed being able to walk into any restaurant in town and have the maitre d’ squeal in delight and tell the cooks to “go into doubletime, the retirement fund’s here”.
When our heroes meet him, he is quickly dispatched with a reminder of his beloved breakfasts. He went immediately to the mess hall to eat. Once there, a few guards watched him and thought “Now there’s a real man”. But it wasn’t true. Colin knew his life had reached its climax. He knew it
was all downhill for here. As he sat, eating a stack of twenty three pancakes, seven waffles, and an entire pig, he knew truly: All this food could not fill the hole inside of him.
He then died of a massive heart attack. Dude’s arteries were like a damn churro.
Then we brought him back! Just to smack him around.
THEN WE BROUGHT HIM BACK. JUST TO SMACK HIM AROUND MORE.
THEN I ASSUME WE BROUGHT HIM BACK AGAIN.
LIFE IS NEVERENDING PAIN.